Bush Unveils Controversial New Energy Proposal
Posted on Sunday, October 14, 2007 @ 23:17:19 UTC by vlad
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 WASHINGTON -- President Bush held a press conference today to announce
a new energy initiative. At the heart of the initiative is an
unprecedented and highly controversial proposal aimed at reducing U.S.
dependence on foreign oil, as well as increasing domestic availability
of other fossil fuels such as coal and natural gas. The proposal
entails the mass killing and burial of plants and animals throughout
the country in order to expedite their transformation into fossil
fuels, which are derived from decayed organic matter, that is, matter
that once made up living organisms.
"America's oil should be American oil," declared the
president. "Not being subjected to the the whim and fancy of some
Middle East dictator will result in improved economic stability and
national security. And through the widespread yet merciful slaughter of
any and all living things, we can achieve this goal."
If the
plan goes through, 100% of forests would be clear cut and the trees put
through wood chippers and subsequently buried hundreds of feet below
ground in appropriate marine environments that promote fossil fuel
formation through a complex series of steps. All animals in the United
States would also be slaughtered and similarly buried, except for cats,
dogs and the minimum number of chickens, pigs, and cattle deemed
necessary to sustain their availability as a food resource.
"Don't
ask me how a raccoon can become liquidy black stuff," said Bush,
veering away from his prepared speech for a moment. "But Mother Nature
says it can, and I believe her."
Bush's proposal was immediately
attacked by environmental groups, and early polls suggest that the
public reaction will be unfavorable.
"I am at a loss for words,"
said Carl Pope, executive director of the Sierra Club, a well-reputed
environmental organization. "We have been busy fighting Bush's proposal
to drill for oil in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge, but now that
has become his most environmentally friendly strategy."
Greg
Powell, a biology professor at the University of California-Berkeley,
said in addition to obliterating life, the plan would not even achieve
its desired result: "For one thing, the process of fossil fuel
formation literally takes hundreds of millions of years."
A
spokesman for the administration responded by saying, "The president
agrees with Dr. Powell that this groundbreaking new proposal will
endlessly benefit future generations of Americans."
Some of the
more conservative critics of the Bush administration support the plan,
but are pessimistic, citing Bush's tendency to make sweeping, grandiose
statements that he doesn't follow up on.
"I think this plan, if
carried out, would make a lot of progress towards solving America's
energy problem," said one pundit. "But why do I have a feeling that I
am going to wake up one summer morning two years from now, walk
outside, and still be surrounded by scampering squirrels and singing
birds as I stand in the cool shade of a towering oak tree?"
The
response of Congress was overwhelmingly negative, with only a few
senators and representatives throwing their support behind the
proposal, and one, Sen. James Inhofe (R-OK), saying it doesn't go far
enough.
"Why only terminate life as we know it within our own
borders?," said Inhofe. "I agree with the president that we should
avoid the Middle Eat, but there are over a million caribou in Canada.
That's oil waiting to happen." Inhofe added that the United States
should also act quickly to secure future fossil fuels from the Amazon
rain forest before the agriculture and timber industries finish
clearing it. "We have an obligation to the American people to rape this
valuable tract of land."
The Bush administration's last energy
initiative, which fell through, included an unpopular proposal to
extract energy from the hot inner core of the earth to heat homes and
buildings. Critics claimed the administration knew full well this was
not a viable alternative to oil or gas, and was merely posturing.
The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.
If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!Source: http://www.thespoof.com/news/spoof.cfm?headline=s2i25742
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